We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
