I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
