he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
