nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
