I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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