guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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