Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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