the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
