my shit smells like andre
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
