I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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