If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
