This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
