he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
