Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
