all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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