I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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