im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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