Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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