3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
