they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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