saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
