I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and she was petting her beer can
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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