well I can't set my house on fire every night
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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