so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
