I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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