He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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