I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
