five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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