Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
