"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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