I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
