Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
