I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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