the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
