I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
