I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
