...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
