Princesses don't give blow jobs
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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