Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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