I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
