I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
