we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
