They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
