i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
