Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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