its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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