He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
