He is such a slut. More and more my type.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
