At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
