That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
