I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
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