So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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